Author Archives: piilanijr

About piilanijr

Hula dancer. Outrigger canoe paddler. Single mom. Change agent. Martial artist on hiatus. Superhero.

Hugs not Drugs vs Better Living Through Chemistry


I have not added an original blog post for quite some time.  This blog usually serves as my stream of consciousness about my life, make-up, TV, working out, etc.  But this year has been an emotional roller coaster.  Every aspect of my life brought me stress or pain and that was too hard and too personal to blog about for me.  Ironic, right?  Blogs are supposed to be a way to share one’s personal experience and emotions.

Today, I’ve decided to reveal one thing that happened this year because I think it is important to share.  Perhaps a reader will find some solace in reading about my experience.  I know there is a risk that someone may relish in my pain and suffering but if they do, Fuck Them.  My life is full and rich and not always perfect.  But I live it on my terms.

2017 started out with quite a few challenges.  At work, team members had begun to move away in droves.  The Torrance office held “going away Happy Hours” and we  raised the revenue of most local bakeries with our numerous “Best Wishes” cake purchases.  A lot of change swirled around at work.  And seeing friends leave the area felt heavy.  Some would be commuting back to California their families for a year or more because their children were seniors in high school or their spouse or partner wasn’t ready to move.  Others just sold everything and left California in their dust, happily trading expensive mortgages on smaller houses for their new Texas properties.  And others made the move with trepidation and dread of the unknown.  The majority of my friends loved their new living situation and enjoyed the change of pace.  Hearing how excited some of them were to have swimming pools and media rooms made me happy for them.

Because of my role, a lot of team members would come to me for advice regarding their decision to move or leave the company.  Although I had made up my mind to about 90% certainty, I did not want to influence anyone’s personal decision.  I wanted to listen and allow them space to wrestle with their own pros and cons.  Most people elected to move to Texas, more than I had expected and more than the company expected, too.  But when I finally announced to my boss and the company that I did not intend to relocate, many people said they were shocked.  Some said they were sad.  Most said that it would be a huge loss to the company.  That felt strange.  It still feels strange.  To hear so many remarks about how my leaving Toyota would leave a hole or have an impact on the diversity work at the company, that made me even more emotional.  My emotions twisted up like a pretzel – some days I felt sad, some days I felt resentful, some days I felt happy, but every day I became more acutely aware that my tenure with the company had begun countdown.  Each business trip felt a bit more precious.  Each conference left me with a yearning to connect with people who have influenced my career and development.  And each of these various emotions weighed on my head and my heart.  Couple these emotions with the prospect of losing my regular salary and health insurance, boom anxiety and depression.  Although I will receive a generous separation package for my nineteen years of service with the company, I will lose my car allowance and health insurance benefits.  That will be a huge change for me.

At the same time, the dojo was hit our six month anniversary.  We were slowly increasing enrollment and hitting our stride with a teaching routine.  Even without a huge enrollment campaign, we found ourselves enrolling new students, one at a time.  Personal referrals always work best.  And, a strong Yelp! presence doesn’t hurt.  Personally, I passed my test in March and that marked my start as Shodan.  I know I have so much to learn as a black belt that I feel pressure to continue my growth and development.  It isn’t second nature to me, like it is for Sensei Butch, so I put lots of additional stress on myself to work hard at being a good teacher.  Then when I take a step back and think about what I do at work and who I am because of that, I try to be easier on myself.  My gift is finding people’s strengths and leveraging those strengths for their growth and development.  Applying that to the dojo seems like a perfect fit.  And putting too much pressure on myself remains a personality flaw that I need to address.

And then, there was home.  My daughter prepared for prom and high school graduation. *GULP* When did she grow up?  I began to question whether or not I raised her to be prepared to leave the house for college.  Would she be able to live on her own?  Manage a bank account?  Pay her bills on time?  Keep her apartment clean?  Trust new roommates?  As a single mom, I know I doted on her a bit too much.  And with her multiple allergies and learning disabilities, I had to insert myself into her growth and development more so than with other children her age.  In some cases, it became a matter of life and death.  But with all that, I did my  best to give her tools to be an adult who contributes in positive ways to our society and the world.  She has shown her compassion and emotional intelligence in remarkable ways.  But I will always worry about her.  Other things happening at home will remain confidential.

All of these emotions and pressures and changes hit me at the beginning of 2017 and I found myself spiraling down into a pit of depression.  Usually my stress manifests as anxiety and it passes fairly quickly.  But this time, there was too much change in my life at one time and my world started becoming dark and lonely.  As an Introvert, I already prefer to rejuvenate myself in solitude.  However, this year didn’t allow me any time alone.  For multiple reasons, I rarely had a moment to myself.  All of the pressure led me to lose sleep, eat poorly and at late hours, stop exercising, and drink too much wine late at night.  I started online shopping for things that I didn’t really need.  Not a good move when I am about to lose my job.  My healthy lifestyle was obliterated by 2017.  It knocked me on my big okole and manifested itself into depression.

After several weeks, I decided to visit a therapist and my doctor.  The therapist allowed me to vocalize so many emotions that I was suppressing.  I realized that I needed some help to get my head and heart back on track.  It felt like I had cloud following me around every day.  I didn’t want to get out of bed.  I didn’t want to engage at work.  I was on edge and sad and angry all at the same time.  The one bright spot in my life was teaching the Togisala Tiger Cubs.  Children have a way of reminding us adults how to live in the moment.  And when we were on the dojo floor, all that mattered was keeping them engaged, teaching them basics, and reminding them of our core values of respect and discipline.  That became a welcome distraction.  But it was not enough to quell the depression.

I asked my doctor for Ativan to help me deal with anxiety and something to get me over the depression.  Actually, the Ativan was just a precaution if I felt like I was going to lose my shit.  I had a prescription for it some years ago, during my divorce.  The smallest dose helped me calm down back then and I felt like I needed it again.  For my depression, the doctor suggested a low dose of Lexapro.  It felt scary to take an anti-depressant but I reminded myself that there are times when our brain chemistry gets thrown off.  If we can’t manage through it naturally, there is no shame in relying on modern medicine.  So off I went to start taking an antidepressant.

When I started taking the new medication, it was suggested that I start with a half dose for two weeks to allow my body to get used to it.  Lexapro is a Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitor used to treat depression and generalized anxiety disorder.  Since I was feeling both anxious and depressed, this medication seemed to be a good fit to help get my brain chemistry back to normal.

Some side effects I had to look out and experienced right off the bat were headaches, increased thirst (I am always thirsty and get dehydrated very easily), and a little bit of fatigue at first.  But who can tell whether the fatigue is coming from the medication or the depression?  A few other side effects that hit me, just for fun, were dry mouth, loss of sex drive (sorry Babe), and insomnia.  A week later I was hit with bloating and a nagging cough.  Once I was on the full dose, I would see mini hallucinations out of the corner of my eye.  For example, I would see a zombie walking across the room or a creature that looked like the Night King on “Game of Thrones” would be staring at me.  I never let these strange visions get to me to badly, I would talk myself out of buying into them as reality.  But they were persistent and irritating while I was dealing with real life stressors every day.

After about four or five months, I had been feeling much more “normal” despite having gained a bit of weight and lost a bunch of sleep.  I only went to one other therapy session but it was helpful and gave me clarity on how to proceed with my life.  The plan was to begin a clean eating campaign, go back to exercising, and get off of the Lexapro.  I recall that the doctor had told me not to just stop taking it, that could be very dangerous.  So I went to the Internet to read about the risks of tapering off of an anti-depressant.  There were risks of extreme panic attacks and tons of stories of people suffering horrific side effects like brain zaps, tremors, convulsions, all scary stuff.  But these patients had been on the medication for years and/or were taking other pills for other ailments.  I decided to go ahead and taper off the Lexapro, without seeing my doctor.  My life was just too busy to go back to the doctor. Many articles mentioned that taking fish oil, calcium, a multivitamin, and B12 would help immensely with the transition. Easy enough for me.  I went for two weeks on my regular dose then cut it to 3/4 the dose for the next two weeks, down to 1/2 for two weeks and finally 1/4 until I was done.  It took a month to taper off but I did not experience the brain zaps or tremors.  Thank goodness.


Now I am working on getting back into shape, eating properly, sleeping more, and allowing myself to be happy.  No more antidepressants, just a lot more time with friends and loved ones.  And having a puppy has really helped with the depresssion.  She doesn’t care if I have a job or if I won an award, she just wants hugs and snuggles.  So let me go on with my non taking antidepressant self for now.  I will fill my days with hugs, not drugs.


Do what I love and love what I do, unapologetically.

What’s Your Ikigai (Reason for Being)?

Wikipedia lends the following definition:

Ikigai (生き甲斐, pronounced [ikiɡai]) is a Japanese concept that means “a reason for being.” It is similar to the French phrase Raison d’être. Everyone, according to Japanese culture, has an ikigai. Finding it requires a deep and often lengthy search of self. Such a search is important to the cultural belief that discovering one’s ikigai brings satisfaction and meaning to life.[1] Examples include work, hobbies and raising children.[2]

The term ikigai compounds two Japanese words: iki (wikt:生き?) meaning “life; alive” and kai (甲斐) “(an) effect; (a) result; (a) fruit; (a) worth; (a) use; (a) benefit; (no, little) avail” (sequentially voiced as gai) “a reason for living [being alive]; a meaning for [to] life; what [something that] makes life worth living; a raison d’etre”.[3]

In the culture of Okinawaikigai is thought of as “a reason to get up in the morning”; that is, a reason to enjoy life. In a TED TalkDan Buettner suggested ikigai as one of the reasons people in the area had such long lives.[4]

The word ikigai is usually used to indicate the source of value in one’s life or the things that make one’s life worthwhile. Secondly, the word is used to refer to mental and spiritual circumstances under which individuals feel that their lives are valuable. It’s not necessarily linked to one’s economic status or the present state of society. Even if a person feels that the present is dark, but they have a goal in mind, they may feel ikigai. Behaviours that make us feel ikigai are not actions we are forced to take—these are natural and spontaneous actions.

In the article named Ikigai — jibun no kanosei, kaikasaseru katei (“Ikigai: the process of allowing the self’s possibilities to blossom”) Kobayashi Tsukasa says that “people can feel real ikigai only when, on the basis of personal maturity, the satisfaction of various desires, love and happiness, encounters with others, and a sense of the value of life, they proceed toward self-realization.”[1][5]

My Ikigai is to stay active and perpetuate the rich API culture through my hobbies – dancing hula, paddling outriggers, and teaching karate.  Working out in the dojo taught me more about surviving and thriving in Corporate America as a single mom than any self-help seminar or MBA could have.  Recently, I opened a karate dojo as my passion project.  We focus on the values of Respect, Discipline, and Self-Confidence to help our students find their Ikigai.

Ikigai JaeRequiro

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#TeamTogisala #togisalashorinryu #fitlife #GirlPower #respect #discipline #focus #selfconfidence #selfdefense #dojoOhana #ikigai

lessons learned from a leadership journeys #diversity #leadership

I’ve been asked to speak at a conference this summer.  It will probably be my last national presentation as a leader at the Japanese car company where I have been employed for almost nineteen years.  As a diversity leader, I can make a presentation and share insights, stories, and experiences with attendees around career development or business strategies.  That is bland and dry as over toasted Wonder Bread.  The sound of the teacher from “Peanuts” would be echoing in my own ears as I spoke on that topic.  Blah, blah, blah, diversity, blah, blah, blah, business impact, blah, blah, blah, leadership, blah, blah, blah.  Instead, I want to tell a story.  I want to share some thoughts on standout moments and lessons learned from my leadership journey as a small business owner, karate instructor and brand-new Shodan.

The conference is by far my favorite event of the year.  It is an event designed to bring together multicultural women from corporations all over the globe.  It takes place in NYC and it provides an outlet for high-achieving and high potential multicultural women to be confident, courageous and take the next steps in paving the way for a stronger, more inclusive, and more trusting environment. The theme for this year’s conference, Race to Trust, reflects an intention to create a conference that inspires higher cross-cultural understanding and explores concerns among women that trust in the workplace is on the decline due to the current cultural and social trends.   My favorite part of this conference is meeting powerful and inspirational women of color from different industries and I have made several friends at the event over the years.

If I think about this opportunity as my last, I have to consider what my legacy will be.  My biggest accomplishment at the Japanese car company where I have been employed for almost 19 years are employee resource groups.  We started with 2 in 2001, just as pilots, while I worked with HR, Legal, and senior leaders to craft a policy that made all levels of the organization comfortable.  Now there are over 60 chapters across North America, with new groups being created in offices in Canada, Baja, and Puerto Rico.  I was dubbed the “Godmother of Business Partnering Groups.”  Where’s my fairy dust and magic wand???

However, I think that a presentation about 2016 would be more interesting to me.  We discovered that our dojo was operating without a business license or insurance for years, as we were told that we were losing the lease to our old studio.  I elected to become the small business owner created the S-Corp, purchased all the insurance and licenses, found a location, and continue my quest to become an instructor.  During the Summer of 2016, we taught karate in my backyard, on the stiff grass.  It wasn’t until late July 2016 that we moved into the new studio.

Now I am processing all of the emotions that I experienced last year to get the business launched.  All of this happened while I faced the end of my tenure with the Japanese automotive company where I continued to work full time, my daughter started her senior year of high school, and my boyfriend finalized his divorce.  Stress on top of stress on top of change on top of stress.  2016 weighed heavily on my shoulders…  more to come

Cultural Humility

This is a piece released by my colleague, Janet Bennett.  I’ve been so depressed since the election that I’ve needed to take some time to rejuvenate and pull myself out of this funk. My career is founded on creating space for people to bring their full selves, all of their differences and all of their life experiences to the workplace.  Cultural Humility is a critical component of creating an inclusive workplace so I thought I would share this.

 

Cultural humility refers to respecting the validity of other peoples’ culture

 

It involves:

 

  • Recognizing that different, even conflicting, cultural perspectives can be equally legitimate

 

  • Suspending judgment

 

  • Questioning the primacy of our own perspective

 

  • Assuming we may not know what is really going on

 

  • Clarifying what is expected

 

  • Allowing others to direct us in appropriate behavior

 

  • Accepting the creative tension of holding two or more different perspectives

 

  • Seeking the “third culture” common ground for effective interactions

 

 

 

 

Adapted from “Cultural Humility: A Way of Being in the World” by Alan Guskin, Antioch Notes, Vol. 59, #1, Fall 1991, Antioch Publications Office, Yellow Springs, OH.

 

 

Janet M. Bennett, Ph.D, © 2006

Back on Track #trainmean Discipline, Respect and Humility

So far, 2017 has rolled over me.  We have lost family members and friends in our personal lives.  That means memorial services, funerals and lots and lots of tears.  At times, I’ve had to be strong enough to hold my loved ones up.  Other times, I’ve cried into my pillow or sobbed in the parking lot at work to let it out.  We hosted family from out of state after being away for a week for SuperGrands and sandwiched in between the sorrow, I’ve had to travel for business so I can network for my future career.  2017 has been whirlwind of frenetic activity.
My intention was to start training for my next race back in November 2016.  I wanted to train for 12 weeks to work on my race pace.  My goal was achievable but challenging.  In my first half marathon back in 2012, I ran a 13 minute mile and finished the race in 3 hours.  Somehow that race wound up being 13.98 miles instead of 13.1 but whatever.  A 13 minute mile for a half marathon is my race pace when I don’t prepare and the weather conditions are mild, not too hot or cold.


My best time has been a 13.64 mile race at 12:21 miles/minute and a time of 2 hours 48 minutes.  That race was the 2015 Avengers Half Marathon, which I did in conjunction with the Captain America 10K.  The two races together were marketed by RunDisney as the “Infinity Gauntlet Challenge – a 10K early Saturday morning and a half marathon the next morning on Sunday.  I took that training really seriously because I was concerned about whether my body could handle that many miles over one weekend because #ihaterunning.  That training paid off:  my body was in very good shape, my stamina was excellent, and my confidence was very high.  The root of those positive results:  fit body, better stamina and higher self-confidence, are founded in core values for the dojo, two that we carry-over from Rabago Shorin Ryu:  Discipline and Respect.  I would like to add a third core value that I want to include for Togisala Shorin Ryu Dojo:  Humility.

This word “Discipline” is defined by Webster as:  “1.  Punishment 2. obsolete Instruction 3. A field of study 4. Training that corrects, molds, or perfects the mental faculties or moral character.”  In their Children’s Dictionary, “Discipline” is defined as “Strict training that corrects or strengthens mental ability or moral character.”  That defines what we want to teach in the dojo.  My training for half marathons fulfills the role of reinforcing the importance of my own discipline in training and conditioning my body.  Last year, I focused 50% of my energy on my day job, raising Kanoe, and being a good girlfriend; 35% of my energy on opening up the new studio; and 15% of my energy on my own training.  I would never approve of one our students only putting in 15% of their energy towards training and I had been very down on myself for that.  But life was filled with many barriers taking up my time after November.  December’s calendar listed business trips, a halau Christmas concert performance, the dojo Christmas party, and SuperGrands.  Honest reasons but not good excuses for being less than  disciplined on my training.

I already mentioned what January felt like for us.  And it all led to depression and health issues for us.  We are focusing on  getting his blood pressure under control and managing his blood sugars to get off of medication.  That takes discipline on both of our parts.  I need to ensure that we have healthy meals to eat and lots of opportunities for exercise and healthy distractions.  He must resist the temptation of sugary foods and drinks and the habit of mindless, late night snacking.  This discipline is critical to his health. Our lives are so intertwined because we live together and we share the responsibilities of running the dojo.  His health impacts my health and vice versa.

Our second core value for Togisala Shorin Ryu, “Respect” may sound simple.  The word is used every day in formal and casual conversations. However, the dictionary defines this word as a noun that means, “A feeling of deep admiration for someone or something elicited by their abilities, qualities, or achievements.” In addition, as a verb, the definitions reads as, “Admire (someone or something) deeply, as  result of their abilities, qualities, or achievements.”  What would that look like when one enters the dojo?  Students must bow before they walk onto the mat to train.  In addition, we bow to a photo of the late Sensei Rabago, who taught both Sensei Butch and me, of Rabago Shorin Ryu.  Before we start class to stretch and warm-up, we show respect by bowing to our Sensei and Sempai.  In addition, students must bow to one another while doing partner drills together.  If they are sparring, tapping gloves shows respect that each student will show good sportsmanship.  Winning is always celebrated with Respect.  Show-boating when winning is frowned upon.  Crying when losing is also not allowed.  We want to teach our students to Respect the lesson in each match or each drill.  Showing courtesy by using the words, “thank you” and “please” also builds Respect. Having such Respect starts with Discipline.  Many children start martial arts at such a young age that they don’t consciously understand these concepts but I trust that consistency and setting a good example will allow them to internalize these lessons.


But a more difficult value to teach and learn is the word, “Humility.”  I am going to spend more time processing this definition and tying it to our teaching at Togisala Shorin Ryu.  Look for a new blog post building on this one soon.  I need to go tend to our new puppy.  I want to name her “Kihon” (look up this Japanese word, if you don’t know what it means).


 

 

 

 

Pain and Sorrow in 2017

We started off 2017 losing the matriarch from my boyfriend’s family.  Aunty Laka passed away unexpectedly.  I never met her in person and I am just getting to know most of his cousins and such but I know my boyfriend.  He is big and tough with a heart of gold.  The amount of love he has to share with the world is rooted in his up-bringing and family background.  He’s shared stories of family get-togethers over the years with me.  They sound like the typical Islander gatherings:  lots of food and laughter and fun.  And razzing.  And singing.  And dancing.  And more laughter and food.

 

The loss hit him really hard.  For various reasons over the past twenty years or so, he hasn’t spent much time with this side of his family.  And memories of losing his parents flooded his thoughts.  We had just gotten back from being in North Carolina for a week-long karate tournament (Super Grands), took a deep breath to prepare to host houseguests over the first weekend of 2017.  Hearing the news that Aunty Laka had passed away took the little wind out of our sails that we had inhaled.

 

Before Aunty Laka’s funeral, Uncle Joe and his family came to town from Seattle to hold a memorial to recognize the two-year anniversary of Aunty Honey-Girl passing away.  This memorial brought together our martial arts ‘ohana and it was a reunion of sorts.  I saw people I hadn’t seen in years. And interestingly enough, Uncle Joe is related to my kumu hula!  They were able to spend a couple of hours together over the weekend and catch up on life.  That surprise was a nice balance to all the sorrow surrounding us in 2017.

 

But before we could pause to let the sorrow pass, I was informed that one of my friends, Valerie, had passed away. I met Val right before she was diagnosed with breast cancer. Val was energetic, positive, full of love, and a fighter until the end.  Valerie was diagnosed with breast cancer, beat it and was re-diagnosed with stage four spinal cancer. Valerie passed away at the young age of 42.  The love that she and Paula shared was inspirational. Val will be incredibly missed by all whose lives she has touched. God bless your soul, Val. I am sending Aloha and light to you and Paula and Aunty Laka and Aunty Honey-girl.

 

I’m tired of all the pain and sorrow in 2017.

 

“Those we love don’t go away, they walk beside us every day, unseen, unheard, but always near, still loved, still missed and very dear.”